Perfectionism in children and young people
Perfectionism, and the child whose worth feels conditional.
In the children we see, perfectionism is rarely about wanting to do well. It is about a child who has come to feel that the affection and pride around them depend on continuing to perform, often a child who was praised generously, for years, for being clever and capable. The cost tends to arrive later. No one sets out to teach this, and it can grow in the most loving homes.
What it can look like
Before it has a name
Perfectionism is rarely the first word a child or parent uses. These are the ways it usually arrives with us.
Anxiety beneath competence
The bright child who seems fine at school and is coming apart at home. What they feel inside no longer matches what others see, and they have learned not to say.
Praise as something to manage
The child who no longer enjoys being told they did well, because the bar has already moved. Tears after a mock that went well by every outside measure.
All or nothing
Either everything is fine or everything is ruined, with no middle ground. The child has not yet learned to tolerate being ordinary at anything.
Procrastination that looks like laziness
Often it is perfectionism in a different coat: if you never start, you cannot fail. Worth noticing in a teenager whose effort has visibly dropped.
Calm outside, flat inside
The teenager who keeps functioning and producing, but no longer enjoys anything. This is the harder version to spot, because on paper nothing is wrong.
How we can help
Working on it together
Perfectionism rarely shifts through therapy alone if everything around a child still rewards only achievement. That is why the work with parents matters so much here.
For your child
Therapy, in school or online
One-to-one sessions for your child, usually in school during the school day, or online for older young people, at a pace that lets them be imperfect in the room.
How therapy worksFor you
A parent consultation
Perfectionism is often relational, so parent consultations are especially useful here. Your own relationship with achievement can be part of the work, and thinking about it can help a great deal.
Parent consultationsTo read
The perfectionism shelf in The Parent Book
A chapter by our therapists for parents whose child cannot bear to get anything wrong, with things to do together, sheets to print, and the books and films we recommend. Part of it is free to read and to print, including what to do first and the first chapter you open; the rest comes with a subscription.
Open the shelfWhen to get in touch
When to talk to us sooner
Perfectionism is rarely an emergency, but it helps to attend to it early, before it hardens into habit.
- Your child has stopped enjoying things they used to love, around the time their standards rose.
- Tears after small setbacks, or after successes that did not feel big enough.
- Sleep, eating or the way they talk about themselves has changed alongside academic pressure.
- Your child has begun to fear disappointing you, and you can feel it.
- You would value thinking through your own relationship with achievement.
Where there are physical symptoms, changes in eating or weight, or low mood that does not lift, please talk to your GP as well.
If you are unsure, a short email is the simplest place to start. Every enquiry is read personally, and we aim to reply within one working day.
If this is urgent
Kensington Square Therapy is not a crisis service. If you or your child is in immediate danger, call 999.
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If you need help right now
If you or your child is in immediate danger
999Call 999
If either you or your child is in a mental health crisis
NHS 111England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000
If your child is under 19 and needs to talk to someone themselves
Childline0800 1111
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at risk
NSPCC Helpline0808 800 5000
If you would prefer to text rather than speak
ShoutText SHOUT to 85258
If you or someone you are worried about needs someone to talk to
Samaritans116 123
Begin
Not sure where to start?
Tell us a little about your child. We will listen first, then suggest what might fit, including whether we are the right people to help.