The Parent Book
Topic · Perfectionism in children
Perfectionism in this cohort is rarely about wanting to do well. It is about a child who has come to feel that the affection and pride around her is contingent on her continuing to perform. Often a child who was praised generously for years for being clever, talented, capable. The cost arrives later. This page is a short overview of how we work with perfectionism in childhood and adolescence, and what is in The Parent Book for parents reading alongside.
Perfectionism is rarely the word the child or parent uses first. The patterns below are how it usually arrives in the counselling room.
The bright child who appears fine to school but is unravelling at home. Often a child whose internal experience does not match what others see, and who has learned not to say.
The child who is no longer pleased by being told she did well, because the bar has shifted. Tears after a mock that went well by every external measure.
Either everything is fine or everything is broken. No middle. The child has not yet built a tolerance for being middling at anything.
Often perfectionism wearing a different coat. If you cannot start, you cannot fail. Worth noticing in adolescents whose effort has visibly dropped.
The teenager who is functioning and producing but is no longer enjoying anything. Often the harder-to-spot version, because nothing is wrong on paper.
Perfectionism rarely shifts through reading alone. It also rarely shifts through therapy alone if the child's environment continues to reward only achievement. Both routes work alongside each other.
One-to-one therapy with a child or adolescent specialist. Parent consultations alongside are particularly useful here, because perfectionism is often relational. The parent's own relationship to achievement is part of the work.
How we work →One chapter in The Parent Book on perfectionism, alongside chapters on self-esteem, low mood, school stress, and the assessment year. Through your school as a partner, or by individual subscription at £99 a year.
Open the library on The Parent Book →Perfectionism is rarely an emergency, but it benefits from being held earlier rather than later. The signals below suggest a short clinical conversation is worth having.
If you are not sure whether the pattern warrants therapy, the simplest thing is to write a short email. Every enquiry is read by Sam personally, and we respond within one working day.
If you or your child are in immediate danger, please call 999 or take them to your nearest A&E. If you need to talk to someone right now: Samaritans 116 123 (24/7), NHS 111, or Shout (text SHOUT to 85258). For under-25s in distress, Papyrus HOPELINE247 on 0800 068 4141.
If you are weighing therapy and not sure where to start, a short call costs nothing. If you would rather begin with reading, a subscription to The Parent Book is £99 a year and you can cancel anytime.
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